sucon

ahh..the paris anti-skyline. how i love it.

posted by lindsey @ 4:20 PM 0 comments

the tower in the middle is montparnasse, the only skyscraper in paris. i have an affinity for it.

posted by lindsey @ 4:17 PM 0 comments

close up of beautiful building, menacing sky

posted by lindsey @ 4:12 PM 0 comments

this is the garden again, but looking in the other direction.

posted by lindsey @ 4:11 PM 0 comments

jardin du luxembourg. beautiful garden near my house. the day this was taken the weather was nuts as evidenced in the pictures here.

posted by lindsey @ 4:11 PM 0 comments

view looking the other direction...if you can see the sign that says "GR" that's where i live. the church at the end is St. Sulpice, which you've heard about it you read The DaVinci Code

posted by lindsey @ 4:09 PM 0 comments

standing at my door this is the view down the street to the left

posted by lindsey @ 4:08 PM 0 comments

one view from my street...the pretty building is the Senat

posted by lindsey @ 4:07 PM 0 comments

mcdonald's smells funny today

so all of my friends are planning all these trips and it's weirding me out. mainly because i have almost no desire to go traveling. and i don't really know why. well, i kind of do. planning it is always a hassle, people get on my nerves when i spend time with them nonstop, as you do when you're traveling, and there are very few people that i can imagine putting up with for a whole trip. that's kinda sad and maybe means that i should have more patience. well, i know i can survive vacations, i've done it before. i've even had fun. but i can't help but see all the ways these trips can go wrong. and so the desire to spend the money on something that might be awful is not there. thinking about trips i've taken in the past i see that i often get depressed on trips. i don't know why. maybe too much time to think? maybe because i went on the trip when i was already depressed. i know that's true for at least two trips i can remember. and i guess i'm kind of afriad of inflicting my depressed self on people here. though there is no guarentee i'll get upset on a trip we might take. ok, my thoughts are all over the place here. i clearly have not thought enough about this. there's also the fact that i'm mildly overwhelmed by all that i Could see here. fucking a, i'm in europe. pretty much anywhere i go will be new. sigh..i need to think before i write more about this.

in general news. things are going well. i have a week of vacation now. mary ann (my british friend) and i are going to be tourists in paris, which sounds like fun cause i haven't done a lot of the big sights yet. and in less than two weeks jenny arrives, which will be cool. gotta show the big sis around paris. went on a second date with a boy. went very well. gonna see him again this weekend. lots of thoughts on that, but not gonna put them here yet either. sorry, world. that i'm sounding so reticent. um, other things. i'm not feeling completely healthy, but don't know what's goin on. every morning i wake up and my chest feels as if i've smoked a pack of cigarettes the night before. while this makes sense when i've gone out to a bar it doesn't make sense recently because i have't been out near a lot of smokers. i'm also tired a lot of the time. grrr. oh well. some good news is that i had a conversation with a woman in french yesterday. and i understood her really well. and i made whole sentences and communicated everythign i wanted to. i spoke with her well enough that she gossiped with me about some of the students who arrived from nyu who don't speak a word of french. that made me feel good. at least i'm better off than them. she also said that by the time i leave i'll be speaking french well. hopefully she'll be right. so tongiht i'm going out with a bunch of people from school, which means they're not american. which is cool. it's kinda fun to be the only american in a group. makes me feel special. ;-) you know, in the short bus way. haha. hadn't said that joke in a while. ok, gonna post some pics.

posted by lindsey @ 3:39 PM 0 comments

not really much to say

but i'm at mcdonald's and so i figure i should write something. so what story shall i tell? hmmm...i guess i'll write about making cookies. so the one food that i really was dissappointed to discover that the french don't have is peanut butter. so i decided that since my parents were sending me a package anyway i should ask for some jif peanut butter. my dad, being the forethinking man that he is, decided to also send me the rest of the ingredients to make NoBake cookies, my family's absolute favorite. As everything in France is, making those cookies was an adventure. First i realized that i don't have room in my apartment, so i had to ask a friend for permission to use her kitchen (she practically, no, she begged me to do so). then i realized that i didn't have measuring cups. so i started looking around for those and of course coudln't find any. so then i had to borrow some. so anyway, i finally got all the ingredients, tools and myself to katie's house to make the cookies. now making the cookies is old hat for me. i could make those cookies in my sleep. but this batch of cookies deserves a special note because of the reaction of my friends to them. now when i ate my first cookie i was instantly transplanted back into the loving bosom of my family. i felt all safe and warm and childlike. this was to be expected. but i was surprised when each of my friends took a bite and an expression of warmth passed over thier faces too. but the best moment was when erin walked into the kitchen and literally squealled. she was surprised to see, as she called them, "idiot cookies". which happen to be a favorite of her family's too. as she ate the cookie i swear i saw a tear in her eye. she agreed with me that one of those cookies epitomized home to us. it was nice (to be corny) to give something to my friends which made them so happy. i felt like santa claus. :-) so thanks, daddy, the package was greatly appreciated.

posted by lindsey @ 3:45 PM 0 comments

answers to questions i've been asked more than twice

so apparently i'm not very good at explaining what i'm doing here cause i keep answering the same questions over and over again. but lo and behold i can put the answers here and still answer them but only when people who dont' read this ask (by the way, i'm very flatterd and astounded by how many people do read this regularly).

so about my living situation:
i am a demi au pair. this means i work twelve hours a week babysitting in exchange for free housing. but i don't live with the family. i live in the same building, but in an old maid's room. which means that i am completely independent. i have my own keys, my own makeshift kitchen (minifridge and hotplate). really it's just like what i do in new york, except they pay me with housing. good situation. the family themselves are really nice. mom, dad, one son. he's a good kid, but i've realized recently that he's never been disciplined i think. he doesn't know the words "consequences for your behavior". which i'm not at all used to. i want to send him to his room, but they don't do that. he also has an attitude that would never be allowed in the states (or at least in my house). sometimes i'm amazed by it. but i'm very lucky in my situation. i really love it. particularly today cause i dont' have to work for two weeks. they're going on an african safari.

so about my school situation:
i'm attending the university of paris seven. i chose this school becase they have an anglophone studies section. which means i can take litterature courses in english. i'm taking three of those. then i have three classes in french. well, two and a half. i'm taking one course through my program (the people who essentially organized the trip). it's a francophone cinema course and the prof is nice and explains complicated things in english. my other two french courses are another cinema course, which is all in french and i don't understand at all, and my french course, which i haven't been to yet.

so beyond that my life here is pretty much updated well in the blog. the rest is all meeting people and hanging out and exploring paris. i try and spend a lot of time walking but i spend a lot of time sleeping. i go out a decent amount, stay in a decent amount. this week i've really begun to feel settled. it's helped that i've met a lot of people this week that aren't in my program to be friends with. that's good cause now i don't feel trapped in a set group of people, which i don't like becuase i like to have choices. but now i have many choices, and i'm feeling really lucky in the people i have around me. ok, i have to say something. i had the best date last night, it was wonderful. but i dont want to jinx it. so i'm not saying anything else. (it's all starting again...)

posted by lindsey @ 8:57 PM 0 comments

on being up

somebody recently said that i'm up and down a lot emotionally. while i'm avoiding really considering if this is true, i must say that today has been an up day. actually most of this weekend was really nice. and it's particularly surprising that i'm happy today seeing as how it's another valentine's day i will spend alone. though it is much easier to ignore the holiday here than in the states. the only places that pay attention to it here are florists, so the biggest reminder are these beautiful arrangements of roses in the shape of hearts in all the florists' windows. not a painful reminder. but it is yet another valentines day alone, something that would normally bother me. but i have an excuse now, so i'm not upset. also since my friend katie and i are gonna get drunk tonight to "celebrate" (more like mourn, let's call it a wake for our love lives). so this weekend was good because i was very social. went out each night, which was nice. had very relaxing times. i'm really focusing on making friends, something which i havent' paid enough attention too yet. i met a british girl today because our french class was cancelled and she suggested getting coffee. it was cool because she's the first non-american i've really hung out with on my own. invited her out with us tomorrow. if i go out tomorrow it will be the fifth day in a row i've gone out drinking. but i haven't gotten wasted any, so it's all about being social, which is good. another thing that upped my spirits was that i talked to my roommate katie (from new york) yesterday for a good fifteen or twenty minutes. it was nice to talk to someone from back home who wasn't my parents (it's nice to talk to them, but just not the same as talking to someone from new york).

so, in usual lindsey style, i've already gone on one date since i've been here. i met him in a bar and we went for a drink last thursday. it was fun. he was nice and smart and very attractive. he's actually iranian and british, which is definately a first for me. at the end of the date we said we'd see each other sunday. then he calls friday morning and says that he had fun with me but doesn't feel like dating right now. i swear i almost swooned. it was amazing and beautiful. i could adore him just for dumping me properly. i was amazed by his ability to just call me up and tell me he didn't want to date. and i have always been right. it was much easier to deal with that then if he just hadn't called when he said he would. i've always said that i could deal with a guy just flat out saying he didn't want to date me, it's the not-knowing that gets me. and it turns out that i was completely right. too bad he's so perfect for me when he was just dumping me. oh well, at least i know that guys like him exist. (ok, the couple making out next to me--i'm in mcdonald's--is not the thing i need to forget it's valentine's day.) so this week was supposed to be my first full week of classes, except my french class today was cancelled. so it seems i'll have my first full week next week. i just rememberd that i drank last thursday too. wow, i sound like a real college student. ok, this post is really long. i'll be sending my valentine's love from paris. ps. happy birthday josh.

posted by lindsey @ 5:04 PM 0 comments

stress

so apparently this trip is harder than i expected. i haven't been able to breathe for about four days. i know it's in my head, that i'm really breathing fine, but to me it feels kind of like i'm drowning. 24/7. it's frustrating, disturbing, and downright obnoxious. i must look like i'm always tired because i feel like yawing is the only way to take a deep breath. but of course yawning only makes it worse so i have these nanosecond panic attacks. it's better for me to just breath normally and not think about breathing at all. of course, it's the white bear syndrom. for those of you who have no idea what i'm talking about: when i get stressed i begin to silently and inconspicuosly hyperventilate. no one notices but me, but it's awful nonetheless. frustrating in particular because i know it's not real. it's all in my head. but right now i don't really know what to do about the stress. here are some of my worries: i'm homesick, i still don't have my schedule, i'm worried about money, i'm worried when i get my schedule i'll be too busy, i can't write anything because i'm overwhelmed by my life. all of this adds up to feeling like i can't breathe. i feel like i need to go to a yoga class, or at least have a day where i don't do anything (but with someone so i'm not depressed about it). living alone is difficult. the quiet is oppressive. the knowledge of the silence is even worse. living my life all day knowing there will be no one to come home to is difficult. another stress is that the idea of boys has entered my life again and already begun to depress me. but i keep telling myself that i know what's happening and everything is in control and becoming convinced i'll be an old maid when i'm only 20 is stupid, but still, some part of my brain automatically assumes the worse in each situation. i need to buy scissors. i need to do my homework. i have sooo much. but tonight we're going to a bar to watch the super bowl, which will not be over till about 6 am, so the likelihood of me going to class tomorrow is small. but going to the bar tonight is better for me than going to class tomorrow. i keep staring out the window watching the passerby. i just noticed a sign. apparently at 12 Rue des Pretres there is "Bibliothque de l'Heure Joyeuse" which is beautiful. Library of the Joyous Hour. i must go there some day. one very good thing i learned last week is that i will attending Paris 7. I'll be going to most of my classes at there Georve V campus, which is beautiful and in the center of the city. much better than the depressing, suburban Paris 10 i saw last week. the other good thing is that my understanding when people talk is getting better, though my french accent is still horrible. the little kid i babysit literally laughed at me because of it. he's a sweet kid. no really he is. he asked me to dance with him, a wonderful request at any time. unless of course it's from some sleezy man at a bar who's somewhere around the age of 65. then it's just gross. fucking a, i don't wanna do my homework.

posted by lindsey @ 4:39 PM 0 comments

crying in cafes

whenever i see someone crying in a public place i always assume they are being dumped. sometimes it's obvious, like when a woman was screaming hysterically at a man outside go sushi last year, her mascara streaked down her face and her party dress conspicuously out of place. five minutes ago it was not so. the woman and man were both quiet. her tears were quiet. and she refused to let them stream. she held the tissue almost in her eye to stop the flow, but they fell too fast and thus her underlids were both deltas of tears. but their quiet, together, implies that he was not leaving her, but that instead maybe she was leaving him. or they were discussing a recent death. maybe the death of a childhood friend. c'est depend. then i think of the times i've cried in public places. i remember specifically tearing up when i dumped adam bender in ninth grade. though i think technically was still in puberty, so those tears are slightly different. then there was this summer, coming home on the subway after hearing about jason. i must have looked as if i'd just been dumped. i'm reminded now of a poem i wrote about that time. it was about two of the versions of myself strangers must see on the subway. one version was the crying lindsey. the other was the almost in love lindsey. right before jason's death i had met c. i remember thinking then that it might finally be my chance to have things work out. of course i was wrong, but for a little bit i was very happy with that hope. i wish i knew which version of myself paris is seeing this semester.

posted by lindsey @ 6:29 PM 0 comments