manhattan stranded
a phenomenon of the boroughs (not really, but i'm being melodramatic):
the manhattan strand. this is when you're in the city for some reason. and you need to be back later. and there's just not enough time to make it worth your while to go home. this is what starbucks is for. and the pace computer lab (my current location). and parks. but it wasn't a nice enough day to go sit in a park. though spending hours doing nothing in central park is a goal for me this week. an ambitious goal, i know.
so here's something absolutely wonderful and amazing and exciting! my big sister is GETTING MARRIED! AND SO IS MY BROTHER! so within the next year i will have a brand new sister-in-law and a brand new brother-in-law. both of whom have been a part of my family for years, but now it will be official. and guess what! i get to be my sister's maid of honor. this is also seriously exciting. for some reason i keep thinking about making the toast. traditionally, the maid of honor makes one, and i'd love to. and then today i thought about the fact that i'm gonna need to bring a date. fucking a. i have no wedding date. especially not one who has an obligation to travel with me and spend waaaay too much time with my family. but oh well, this is gonna happen next summer. so maybe by then i'll be in love...oooo (please insert the sound of third graders catching someone kissing).
so tonight i'm going to a screening of transporter 2. i will probably hate it, but hey, i'll have fun hating it. ok, i'm off to it! later, gator.
i've never liked award shows
so my roommate and i are obviously bored. we're watching the vma's. i'm blogging and i just convinced her to blog too. it's a communal thing. like the bitching about how messy it is. that's Very communal. so the point of this blog is to blab. and to basically try to start blogging almost everyday so i can actually say "i blog." dorky thing to want to be able to say, i know, but oh well. sue said today that the fact that i said i wanted to finish reading someone's blog by the end of the day was the dorkiest thing i've ever said. i tihnk she's probably forgotten the last time i started talking about science fiction. or how much i like making lists. or the last time i got excited about a discovery health channel show.
so let's see. my job is well, a job. i make decent money. have actually made a lot in the last two months, which is good. my boss is nice, with a tendency to yell and swear, but since i've been feeling better i dont' screw up as much. besides there's a new girl who does, so some of the blame is off me. and i'm for one i'm not worrying really about money. though i should be cause i'm spending a hell of a lot. like a hundred bucks last weekend. and most of that was on a houseparty that didn't happen. apparently some of my friends can't read watches. so they all arrived when we were already out the door to a party that actually had people in it. i'm actually going to be a real bitch for a second. i've noticed that my phone hardly ever rings. i have a lot of friends. however, i don't have a lot of friends who actually call me. now this might be because i spent six months in france and then the first few months i was back i didn't call anyone because well, i didn't call anyone. and i've only been feeling better a week, so it's not much time for them to get used to me being social. but thinking back, this is generally the case. i have some very close friends that i only see if i contact them. so anyway, im frustrated by this. and actually pretty hurt too.
so on to other things. first i want to talk about this new blog i love
thisfish.com . not only is her title from a quote i absolutely love, but her writing is amazing. amazing in that it is clear, fresh and honest. and she just keeps getting better. i've been spending weeks catching up on the archives and am not yet done. but it's a good thing. blogs are like novels that never end. at least they hopefully don't.
my writing blows right now. sorry.
everyone knows there's a difference between alone and lonely. i am alone most of the time. i think i am pretty good at it. i live my life, generally with life-affirming vigour (that's what i'm calling my spazziness). but sometimes i get lonely. like recently. when i just want someone to hold my hand. to gently kiss my collarbone. i want someone to call me to just say hi. i've been realizing recently that most of my "relationships" are far from that. most of the time when i'm "dating" someone, it's merely some superficial dates topped off with some fake making out. there seems to be no real emotion in it. i've blamed it, for a long time, solely on the fact that the guys i date exit themselves from my life in a blurring six weeks time. i've blamed this mainly on them. but i've also noticed recently that i'm really good at keeping things superficial. nothing of import ever seems to be said. and this can't be entirely their fault. it's me too. i just don't know how i do it though. or why. though this isn't entirely fair. last summer i met someone and he's become one of my best friends. i cried in front of him yesterday, which i try to avoid doing in front of guys i like. actualy something i try and avoid doing in front of people in general. egh. i'm even tired of myself. ok, no more relationship stuff until something fun happens. i wanna make out with someone. (last offer i got i couldn't keep my pride and agree cause he didn't know my name.)
so let's be random. first. i like beer. and second. r. kelly is a fucking idiot and mtv is stupid for letting him ACT OUT a FIFTEEN minute song on the vma's. ok, i'm done for now.
absence
so i've been absent from here for more than a month. that seems about right. absent. i've been absent from myself, from my own life. i've been depressed. it seems simple when i type it like that. people seem to think it's simple when i say it like that. it's not. it's very far from simple. it's something i don't completely understand. something i try to simplify in my own mind. but today, now that i feel present again, i cannot. i know that it is this utterly complex thing. it is unspeakable. but this is why it must be talked about. no one, unless you've experienced it, can understand what it is to be in your own body but separate from your life. to me it feels as if a fog has invaded me. an evil entity that creates a semi-permeable veil between Me and My Life. certain things can't pass through this veil. happiness, desire. when the fog is in my body i can't think. i can't remember things. i can have a phone conversation, hang up the phone and not remember what i just talked about. i can go out with friends and just sit there with nothing to say. i also can't get things done. i have no motivation, no ability to do normal things like my laundry, or take care of stuff like my cell phone bill. i can't keep in touch with even my best friends. for the past month i've seen a few friends, but mostly just the ones i live with. the fog, the depression, is to me one of the scariest things in my life. because i know it has the ability to shut me down completely. i can feel that there is always the potential for it to take over to the point where i will not be able to get out of bed, i will not be able to eat, i will not be able to live at all. i know it has this potential because that has happened before. but only for a weekend, a couple of hours. i have this deep, deep fear that it will someday continue like that for years. this is why i've been in therapy for much of college. i've avoided drugs, but am considering them now. of course the process of finding a doctor has been so difficult that i'm almost fed up enough to say screw it. but my life is too important to do that.
coming out of a depression is like waking. i'm waking back up in my skin. i'm discovering, after a month's absence, what it is to be me. Lindsey, she's the girl who smiles and laughs often. she's the girl who is easily amused. she's the girl who gets things done, who has a million things on her plate but does well with all of them. she's the girl who cares about her friends. she's not that other person. that shadow. that darkspot.
i'm glad now to be here. glad to be present. i'm not sure why i came out of it, just as i'm not sure why i entered it. it might be the medication the doctor gave me, though it's not supposed to be an antidepressent at the dose i've got. maybe it's the sleep i got over the weekend. maybe it's the fact that i've cut back my hours at work so i have more time. maybe it's a combination. whatever it is, i'm grateful. and though i feel pressured to do everything i can now, before the depression comes back, i'm going to ignore the pressure and just keep doing what i do, when i'm here. i'm glad to be back. :-)
