sucon

absence

so i've been absent from here for more than a month. that seems about right. absent. i've been absent from myself, from my own life. i've been depressed. it seems simple when i type it like that. people seem to think it's simple when i say it like that. it's not. it's very far from simple. it's something i don't completely understand. something i try to simplify in my own mind. but today, now that i feel present again, i cannot. i know that it is this utterly complex thing. it is unspeakable. but this is why it must be talked about. no one, unless you've experienced it, can understand what it is to be in your own body but separate from your life. to me it feels as if a fog has invaded me. an evil entity that creates a semi-permeable veil between Me and My Life. certain things can't pass through this veil. happiness, desire. when the fog is in my body i can't think. i can't remember things. i can have a phone conversation, hang up the phone and not remember what i just talked about. i can go out with friends and just sit there with nothing to say. i also can't get things done. i have no motivation, no ability to do normal things like my laundry, or take care of stuff like my cell phone bill. i can't keep in touch with even my best friends. for the past month i've seen a few friends, but mostly just the ones i live with. the fog, the depression, is to me one of the scariest things in my life. because i know it has the ability to shut me down completely. i can feel that there is always the potential for it to take over to the point where i will not be able to get out of bed, i will not be able to eat, i will not be able to live at all. i know it has this potential because that has happened before. but only for a weekend, a couple of hours. i have this deep, deep fear that it will someday continue like that for years. this is why i've been in therapy for much of college. i've avoided drugs, but am considering them now. of course the process of finding a doctor has been so difficult that i'm almost fed up enough to say screw it. but my life is too important to do that.

coming out of a depression is like waking. i'm waking back up in my skin. i'm discovering, after a month's absence, what it is to be me. Lindsey, she's the girl who smiles and laughs often. she's the girl who is easily amused. she's the girl who gets things done, who has a million things on her plate but does well with all of them. she's the girl who cares about her friends. she's not that other person. that shadow. that darkspot.

i'm glad now to be here. glad to be present. i'm not sure why i came out of it, just as i'm not sure why i entered it. it might be the medication the doctor gave me, though it's not supposed to be an antidepressent at the dose i've got. maybe it's the sleep i got over the weekend. maybe it's the fact that i've cut back my hours at work so i have more time. maybe it's a combination. whatever it is, i'm grateful. and though i feel pressured to do everything i can now, before the depression comes back, i'm going to ignore the pressure and just keep doing what i do, when i'm here. i'm glad to be back. :-)

posted by lindsey @ 1:35 AM