sucon

the illogical human

so here's further proof that the human being can feel two opposing emotions at the exact same time. so today an american living in paris was finished with his new york times and after hearing my accent gave it to me to read. i almost started crying in the barber shop where i was waiting for raphael. i miss new york. then ten minutes later i had to remind raphael that i'm leaving paris in three weeks and i again got really sad. i'm going to miss paris so much. how ridiculously illogical. collecting another place i will miss later on is one of the reasons i almost didn't come to paris. i'm so glad i came, but i also think that i was right. sometimes i think that the people who are born in a town, grow up there, and then live there til they die have the right idea. but then i remember how beautiful a new place is. like today when i was going with mary ann to look at an apartment in paris and suddenly there's this canal in the middle of paris. something i hadn't seen before. i thought all the canals were much further out. but no, it was right there on a tree-lined street, with hugely arching bridges crossing it every fifty feet. it made us both happy and might be part of the reason why she took the apartment. it will be hard to leave my life here, but i'm so excited (and scared shitless) by all the things i have to do back in new york, it will be good to get started. i need to start applying to grad schools, i need to find a job, i need to figure out what the fuck is gonna happen with my apartment. i need to see somepeople. i need to see a lot of people. i need to spend time with my family and be wholly with them. i need to finally take down the posters i put up on my walls during high school and which have stayed there ever since. i need to help my mom not be sad about that. i need to see the ring my brother bought for his fiance. i need to discuss teaching methods with my sister and how phd programs really work. i need to figure out which fucking schools i'm going to apply to. i need to think, yet again, about taking a year off. i need to finally do my research project on the different literary periods. i need to see elly and julian and lori and alan and avoid saying out loud how much the children have grown. i need to keep in touch with the friends i've made here. at least a select few of them. i need to plan a trip back to europe. i need to work on my writing. i need to work on getting published. damn, i'm gonna be a busy girl. :-)

posted by lindsey @ 6:55 PM