sucon

here's to spring

i'm writing this sitting in a garden. it's right across the street from mcdonald's so the whole garden has internet. wonderful wireless! so spring has hit paris full on. flowers blooming, sidewalks covered in tables, birds wondering around in paris, people wondering around in pairs, pollen. it's been so beautiful all week i've pretty much completely stopped going to class. i've been to 2.5 all week. this is not a good omen for my grades if the weather stays like this. of course i won't care, but still. i'm so happy to just be outside and not be wearing a coat. to see the sun is amazing. and of course because its srping i'm thinking about falling in love. yes, yes, i know you're saying that i think about falling in love all the time, but still. mayeb it's also because i've um, met, a lot of guys this week. and by a lot i mean two. i haven't heard from the boy from california, but i don't really care. and i the thing i keep thinking about falling in love is that i'm not sure i believe in it. it's so easy to fake it well. to do the tender kisses, the loving hand cuping the face, the smile that seems to mean so much. i see these things and i think, well, what the fuck is the difference. i know there is a difference between these relatively casual encounters of mine and love, but it all looks the same from close up as well as far away. i wonder if the only way to tell is if you cry when they leave you. the worst part of all this is that i'm pretty sure that i am in love with someone right now, or at lest that there is someone who could give me a connection that is not casual, that is not meaningless, that is in fact full of emotion. but he is far away and just like being in love, i don't believe in him either. im convinced that when we see each other again all this fervent emotion will dissolve into another disappointing reality and i will be once again alone. it's good that i am thinking these thoughts in spring because it his hard to be upset when it is so beautiful outside and in spring it's so easy to believe in falling in love. too bad i don't want to do it. i do not want to fall in love with someone here because it necessitates a leaving. and above all, i don't want to guarantee my own heartbreak, again. i think i've finally done it. i've become officially cynical, bitter, completely untrusting, and the worst part is that i don't care anymore. this does not of course mean i won't care at some point in the future. well this post sounds melancholy, but it shouldn't. i'm really really happy. plus, kathryn's coming to visit on saturday! wooohooooo! damn, i just wanna fall in love and get married. haha. later gator, gotta go grocery shopping and buy a plane ticket home!

posted by lindsey @ 2:12 PM