sucon

the illogical human

so here's further proof that the human being can feel two opposing emotions at the exact same time. so today an american living in paris was finished with his new york times and after hearing my accent gave it to me to read. i almost started crying in the barber shop where i was waiting for raphael. i miss new york. then ten minutes later i had to remind raphael that i'm leaving paris in three weeks and i again got really sad. i'm going to miss paris so much. how ridiculously illogical. collecting another place i will miss later on is one of the reasons i almost didn't come to paris. i'm so glad i came, but i also think that i was right. sometimes i think that the people who are born in a town, grow up there, and then live there til they die have the right idea. but then i remember how beautiful a new place is. like today when i was going with mary ann to look at an apartment in paris and suddenly there's this canal in the middle of paris. something i hadn't seen before. i thought all the canals were much further out. but no, it was right there on a tree-lined street, with hugely arching bridges crossing it every fifty feet. it made us both happy and might be part of the reason why she took the apartment. it will be hard to leave my life here, but i'm so excited (and scared shitless) by all the things i have to do back in new york, it will be good to get started. i need to start applying to grad schools, i need to find a job, i need to figure out what the fuck is gonna happen with my apartment. i need to see somepeople. i need to see a lot of people. i need to spend time with my family and be wholly with them. i need to finally take down the posters i put up on my walls during high school and which have stayed there ever since. i need to help my mom not be sad about that. i need to see the ring my brother bought for his fiance. i need to discuss teaching methods with my sister and how phd programs really work. i need to figure out which fucking schools i'm going to apply to. i need to think, yet again, about taking a year off. i need to finally do my research project on the different literary periods. i need to see elly and julian and lori and alan and avoid saying out loud how much the children have grown. i need to keep in touch with the friends i've made here. at least a select few of them. i need to plan a trip back to europe. i need to work on my writing. i need to work on getting published. damn, i'm gonna be a busy girl. :-)

posted by lindsey @ 6:55 PM 0 comments

am i just begging to be mugged?

does using my computer in a public park full of bugs and homeless people mean i'm begging to be robbed? i hope not, but this old crazy lady with a stained skirt is working her way towards me. uh oh. she keeps touching people's things, but must be basically harmless. i'm hoping i'm invisible somehow. so i just had a really good visit with sue and katie (my old brooklyn roommates). uhoh, she's gonna sit next to me. ok, besides the crazy lady who's collecting bags now. and dripping ashes on my keyboard. so the visit was really good. very nice to see them in paris, good to show them my life here. though it has made me miss my new york life a lot. i miss my friends there now more than i have yet. i guess i'm lucky it's hitting now, a month before i leave. that, in and of itself, is odd. less than four weeks in paris. that thought is overwhelming and very, very sad. though life has been far from perfect here and i've dealt with some very difficult stuff, i have had a very wonderful life. a life i have loved a tremendous amount. i've been pretty stress free, which is nice for once. nothing like new york. it's been a good break. it's made me excited about studying, mainly because i desperately miss having things like a library in which i can actually do research and professors that encourage discussion and other students actually willing to discuss. basically, i hate the french education system and can't wait to get back to the relative rigors of pace. how odd to consider pace difficult, or course it's only relative. right now it's nice because there are three french guys talking and laughing next to me and i'm not trying to translate what they're saying, i'm just enjoying the music of their language and their laughter. and a tourist just offered a french girl bandaids because her pretty shoes were hurting her. i love seeing these little things which make humanity seem worth continuing on for. that's a horrible sentence structure, but oh well. the tourist's daughter has just noticed that some of the paving stones have the footprints and handprints of children in them and she's playing hopscotch. she's my age, which makes that cooler. i'm so happy today.

posted by lindsey @ 8:34 PM 0 comments

short little update

ok, here's a teeny little update. since i last updated i've
1. been to england, seen a bunch of castles
2. been to Nice
3. been to monaco and gambled at the casino monte carlo
4. turned in the worst paper ever
5. been visited by my roommates
6. been forced to realize again that everything changes.

will properly update when roommates leave.

posted by lindsey @ 9:02 PM 0 comments