oops
so right now, my life is pretty damn good. i just had a normal, no frills weekend. it was nice, and i enjoyed it. things have been crazy hectic, with very few minutes off of something. even this weekend it feels like i was always kinda doing somethign. this is the problem with my chosen life. in school, in acadamia, there's not really time off. unless you follow a really strict schedule, which i'm not very good at. so basically, i always have something to do. it also doesnt help that there's a lot of work going on in my apartment right now too.
but what i really want to write about is how i'm not actually happy. like i have no real signs of it. in fact, i seem upset. i'm mean to people and i snap and i have absolutely no patience. what the fuck? i don't mean to be. i want to feel and act happy. like i feel it sometimes. when i'm walking down the street, and i see a beautiful dog, or someone laughing, or i even just think about my life i feel happy. but then someone says something and i just snap. i need to figure this out.
it never stops
so today was a fucking insane day. fucking insane. class from 9 am til 8:15. and i have so much to do that even in my breaks in between classes i was doing work. reading and stuff. so as of the second week of school i'm keeping up with things. hopefully i can keep doing this. someone today said, it'll give you a taste of grad school. if i had the energy i would think about what that meant for the next seven to nine years of my life. but i'm not gonna. today i did nail down (or at least tack down) my list of schools i'm applying to. and i got much needed encouragement from a professor. so though i'm exhausted, i feel like today was an ok day. tomorrow, i have a bunch of shitty work i don't want to do, but that's ok. cause then it's the weekend and there's a bunch of stuff i wanna do, and not all of it is homework. yay!
let's bottle the runover
last night instead of going out i actually watched hope floats on oxygen. there's this silly line in there that i secretly adore: "my cup runneth over". and you know what, today my cup does. i don't know why today i'm so happy. but i am. maybe cause i had a really good week. it started off in the hamptons with beautiful weather. then a bbq and the matrix monday, awesome. then tuesday work wasn't stressful. and i went to babysit and got to see the kids get ready for school. i love that back to school feeling. then wednesday i actually went back to school. and i saw my old friends and professors and just started to get back into the swing of school. and i got to each lunch for free in the faculty dining room. and then thursday work was again not stressful. then friday was an absolutely wonderful day, including getting my new couch! which is beautiful. it's red and soft and comfy. everyone loves it. and then saturday i didn't go out but stayed home by myself and went to bed early and got lots of sleep, which i needed. and today i woke up and sue and i went grocery shopping and made breakfast together and i just think that sometimes the best parts of friendship is the little bits. the wierd traditions that involve groceries and knowing what kind of cheese someone likes. and though i haven't done my homework yet, it's only 4:30 on a sunday, so if i had done my homework then this would officially be like the wierdest day ever. like officially. and so all i need to complete my life right now is someone to watch football with. cause sue doesn't give a shit that ben rothelisberger (sp?) threw an amazing 63 yard pass to anton randle el. and oh, i added some links, check them out.
my cat is beautiful and obnoxious
mainly because he's all up in my grill right now. so i'm writing to celebrate school. YAY! i had my first day of my senior year of college today. and i feel as giddy as a first grader. actually, the first grader i know was not at all giddy. i was so amazingly happy today because of school. i love school. i'm such an uberdork. i know. so no need to tell me. it's gonna be a stressful semester, but i'm excited about everything i'm doing, so i should be able to manage.
so my schedule this semester involves a lit course covering ulysses, an independent study where i do research on a topic i chose, a course that i get to kind of student teach (including reading papers!), another course that happens at the exact same time as the student teaching, and advanced poetry, which i haven't written in a long freaking time. plus i have a job and gre tests and grad school applications and babysitting saturday nights, and an active social life which sometimes stretches states. oh, and i wanna write some for the paper, and write for myself, and um, probably something else too. oh well.
the thing i am worried about is the fact that my therapist's schedule and mine don't match so i won't be seeing him anymore. and right now i think me not being in therapy is probably bad. but i also don't want to deal with finding a new counselar. it's just not something i want to handle right now. but of course if i then have another episode, break down, whatever, i don't know what i'll do. my mom will totally yell at me if i don't get another counselor. it's so hard to worry about when i'm so happy right now though. there are so many things to make me happy right now. :-)
indonesia?
i love looking at the stats of this thing. they're even more addicting than the actual blogging. someone in indonesia looked at my site...wierd. but that's not what i want to write about.
when you sleep in the same bed with someone a certain intimicy is inherent in the system. you are vulnerable, naked whether you actually are or not. it's a beautiful thing though, no matter if it's a best friend visiting from out of town or someone you're interested in dating. but to me, something even more intimite is when you're sleeping in the same bed as someone and then you dream of them. it's like, not only have they entered my bed, but also my subconscious. dreams are a powerful thing. they can, at least briefly, completely change how you see someone. suddenly you can look at the dorkiest kid in the class in a whole new light, just because you kissed him on a bench in a dream the night before. they can also make you think about things you were avoiding. honest and true dreams are difficult to deal with. ive had periods in my life when my dreams are so real i cannot tell dream from waking. when that happens i spend weeks in odd stupors where i wonder if i've had this conversation before. for me, it's really odd to literally dream of someone and wake to find them there. it's definately worth it though, don't you think?
ps. this post was really hard to type because my cat decided to lie on my chest, directly in my line of vision to my laptop. the brat needs all the attention i couldn't give him in the past two days when i wasn't here. i promise a full post about my cat soon, something i'm sure you've all been dying for!
ewww...gross
so i did go on the bike ride with sue and mareika (sp?). it was nice. we went to ps. 1, a moma museum in queens. it was called "greater new york", i think. the artwork was amazing, i'm not usually into modern art, but this stuff was so imaginative and beautiful. of course, some was ridiculous and i didn't get it, but most was just inspiring. at this point i think i might have to revise my views on modern art. or maybe this stuff was just outstanding. i went to the tate modern in london and i was not nearly as impressed. today, a piece of artwork literally gave me chills. it was a flowing timeline of the violence and craziness of the pat 100 years. if you follow it you end up enclosed by it. it's really hard to describe. but it raised goosebumps on my arms.
but beyond the beautiful art, i'm still feeling off. of course i'm automatically afraid i'm getting depressed again. i'm trying to convince myself that no, i'm just a little low. i hate this fear. my mom pointed out that with everything going on in new orleans it's natural to feel low. i'm still in shock about it. and i'm angry. i can't believe it's reached the points it has. when i watch the news i just think, this cannot be america. we do not abandon people to die in droves without food, water, and metal care. well, we do, just not so many. the world is insane.
tonight i didn't even make an effort to go out. i wasn't quite sure what the point might be. i'm not in the mood to be social. though it might have been better for me. i should remind myself that having my apartment to myself happens rarely and i should enjoy it. i should also remind myself that offhand comments made by people not involved in a situation should not radically alter how i see the situation. i love being obtuse. i should learn patience.
wierd
so right this exact moment i'm feeling out of wack. slightly offput, a bit anxiously sad. i know it'll end in a sec, it's just a momentary annoyance. just things within the past two days have put me off my kilter. first i came home friday and i didn't have any furniture. i knew this was happening, just thought that was gonna happen on saturday. so the last time i enjoyed my old furniture was thursday night when i passed out on the couch at 8 pm and only woke up at 12 when my roommate told me to go to bed. i'm not particularly upset that the furniture left early. what's thrown me for a loop is that i had my whole weekend planned around it. i was going to go to dinner with my old roommate friday, then get stuff organized friday night, then be of some assistance to the people who were moving it out on saturday. instead i spent my friday night sweepign and mopping and moving piles of books around. and now it's saturday and i don't have anything to do. i have the oppurtunity to go on a bike ride with sue and her friend, but i'm not sure if i will. ok, i am.
