sucon

i've never liked award shows

so my roommate and i are obviously bored. we're watching the vma's. i'm blogging and i just convinced her to blog too. it's a communal thing. like the bitching about how messy it is. that's Very communal. so the point of this blog is to blab. and to basically try to start blogging almost everyday so i can actually say "i blog." dorky thing to want to be able to say, i know, but oh well. sue said today that the fact that i said i wanted to finish reading someone's blog by the end of the day was the dorkiest thing i've ever said. i tihnk she's probably forgotten the last time i started talking about science fiction. or how much i like making lists. or the last time i got excited about a discovery health channel show.

so let's see. my job is well, a job. i make decent money. have actually made a lot in the last two months, which is good. my boss is nice, with a tendency to yell and swear, but since i've been feeling better i dont' screw up as much. besides there's a new girl who does, so some of the blame is off me. and i'm for one i'm not worrying really about money. though i should be cause i'm spending a hell of a lot. like a hundred bucks last weekend. and most of that was on a houseparty that didn't happen. apparently some of my friends can't read watches. so they all arrived when we were already out the door to a party that actually had people in it. i'm actually going to be a real bitch for a second. i've noticed that my phone hardly ever rings. i have a lot of friends. however, i don't have a lot of friends who actually call me. now this might be because i spent six months in france and then the first few months i was back i didn't call anyone because well, i didn't call anyone. and i've only been feeling better a week, so it's not much time for them to get used to me being social. but thinking back, this is generally the case. i have some very close friends that i only see if i contact them. so anyway, im frustrated by this. and actually pretty hurt too.

so on to other things. first i want to talk about this new blog i love thisfish.com . not only is her title from a quote i absolutely love, but her writing is amazing. amazing in that it is clear, fresh and honest. and she just keeps getting better. i've been spending weeks catching up on the archives and am not yet done. but it's a good thing. blogs are like novels that never end. at least they hopefully don't.

my writing blows right now. sorry.

everyone knows there's a difference between alone and lonely. i am alone most of the time. i think i am pretty good at it. i live my life, generally with life-affirming vigour (that's what i'm calling my spazziness). but sometimes i get lonely. like recently. when i just want someone to hold my hand. to gently kiss my collarbone. i want someone to call me to just say hi. i've been realizing recently that most of my "relationships" are far from that. most of the time when i'm "dating" someone, it's merely some superficial dates topped off with some fake making out. there seems to be no real emotion in it. i've blamed it, for a long time, solely on the fact that the guys i date exit themselves from my life in a blurring six weeks time. i've blamed this mainly on them. but i've also noticed recently that i'm really good at keeping things superficial. nothing of import ever seems to be said. and this can't be entirely their fault. it's me too. i just don't know how i do it though. or why. though this isn't entirely fair. last summer i met someone and he's become one of my best friends. i cried in front of him yesterday, which i try to avoid doing in front of guys i like. actualy something i try and avoid doing in front of people in general. egh. i'm even tired of myself. ok, no more relationship stuff until something fun happens. i wanna make out with someone. (last offer i got i couldn't keep my pride and agree cause he didn't know my name.)

so let's be random. first. i like beer. and second. r. kelly is a fucking idiot and mtv is stupid for letting him ACT OUT a FIFTEEN minute song on the vma's. ok, i'm done for now.

posted by lindsey @ 2:09 AM