sucon

stress

so apparently this trip is harder than i expected. i haven't been able to breathe for about four days. i know it's in my head, that i'm really breathing fine, but to me it feels kind of like i'm drowning. 24/7. it's frustrating, disturbing, and downright obnoxious. i must look like i'm always tired because i feel like yawing is the only way to take a deep breath. but of course yawning only makes it worse so i have these nanosecond panic attacks. it's better for me to just breath normally and not think about breathing at all. of course, it's the white bear syndrom. for those of you who have no idea what i'm talking about: when i get stressed i begin to silently and inconspicuosly hyperventilate. no one notices but me, but it's awful nonetheless. frustrating in particular because i know it's not real. it's all in my head. but right now i don't really know what to do about the stress. here are some of my worries: i'm homesick, i still don't have my schedule, i'm worried about money, i'm worried when i get my schedule i'll be too busy, i can't write anything because i'm overwhelmed by my life. all of this adds up to feeling like i can't breathe. i feel like i need to go to a yoga class, or at least have a day where i don't do anything (but with someone so i'm not depressed about it). living alone is difficult. the quiet is oppressive. the knowledge of the silence is even worse. living my life all day knowing there will be no one to come home to is difficult. another stress is that the idea of boys has entered my life again and already begun to depress me. but i keep telling myself that i know what's happening and everything is in control and becoming convinced i'll be an old maid when i'm only 20 is stupid, but still, some part of my brain automatically assumes the worse in each situation. i need to buy scissors. i need to do my homework. i have sooo much. but tonight we're going to a bar to watch the super bowl, which will not be over till about 6 am, so the likelihood of me going to class tomorrow is small. but going to the bar tonight is better for me than going to class tomorrow. i keep staring out the window watching the passerby. i just noticed a sign. apparently at 12 Rue des Pretres there is "Bibliothque de l'Heure Joyeuse" which is beautiful. Library of the Joyous Hour. i must go there some day. one very good thing i learned last week is that i will attending Paris 7. I'll be going to most of my classes at there Georve V campus, which is beautiful and in the center of the city. much better than the depressing, suburban Paris 10 i saw last week. the other good thing is that my understanding when people talk is getting better, though my french accent is still horrible. the little kid i babysit literally laughed at me because of it. he's a sweet kid. no really he is. he asked me to dance with him, a wonderful request at any time. unless of course it's from some sleezy man at a bar who's somewhere around the age of 65. then it's just gross. fucking a, i don't wanna do my homework.

posted by lindsey @ 4:39 PM